my state.

my dad has been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gherig's Disease) for almost two years now. it'll be two years this january.

http://www.alsa.org/als/symptoms.cfm

to make a long story short, he has been getting worse and now he is getting noticeable weaker of late. it's crazy how much worse he is everytime i see him now. he hasn't been able to speak for about 6 to 12 months and writes everything down. he's had extensive swallowing and breathing problems for about the same amount of time. it's hard to eat with him mainly because watching him struggle tears me apart, often to tears and loss of appetite.

i just got a text from him:

"Colin- eating has gotten more difficult. So, tomorrow at 3 I will have a feeding tube put in."

If I feel alone, I can't imagine how he feels.. living by himself for a decade and such without anyone. I have so much respect for him. I'm learning subtle things from this situation. mainly that i'm ridiculously selfish.

I don't remember his voice.
I don't remember his laugh.
I can't hear "I love you" in my head anymore.
I feel alone.

I miss my father.