ignorance is bliss

the past couple of days have been a big sweltering pot of depression and loneliness. I don't know what i've done to deserve all this shit.

I hate myself.

I hate most people.

The people i do love don't give fucks about me other than what's up with my self-loathing qualities. You could say hello once and a while. Maybe we could have a friendly and whimsical phone conversation about nothing. like the "good old days?" or they they're the ones i see often and they treat me like an ignorant child.

My Mom told me she doesn't want me home for thanksgiving. Evidently I cause too much stress for her. I guess i can understand how blood doesn't run deep enough to look past a couple of fuck-ups and many alleged fuck-ups. Sorry i'm not perfect. I'm really being shown the way to do things...that grace and love are weak qualities.

My Dad's out of town so i can't stay with him either. I guess i'm going to go hang with my oldest brother for thanksgiving and a couple of days. i guess i'm looking forward to that.

My body hates my mind. My mind hates my body.

is God still alive? I hear a lot about what he did... not hearing alot about what he's doing. Does he even give a fuck? If I died today, would God (or god) exist? Would my troubled spirit be "spared?" or would i be "damned" for my doubts and insecurities?

I don't want your answers. I just want you to think.





What I think...

Well, I think ignorance truly is bliss.